Sometimes it just creeps up behind me and wraps its arms around me tight so I can't breathe. I can't breathe. It hurts. It feels like a lump in my throat, a hole in my stomache. It pulls me into the dark and tells me that it wants to keep me there untill I die. It holds me down and doesn't give up. When I pretend it doesn't exist it simply goes to the back of my mind. Just to plan its next attempt to kill me.  I don't want to be in the dark anymore. I don't want to die, but the dark tells me to die. I've got this hole in my stomache and it tells me to die. I could have died that day. And to be honest, it didn't seem half bad. I hate it. I hate it. I hate being in the dark. My mind is slowly being swallowed.. It's taking over. It's taking me.




"We might die from all the medication, but we killed all the pain."

And I'm pretty sure this one's a keeper. :)

I have had an amazing start to the summer. Can't wait till brooke gets back so we can party even harder. =) No boys in my life so far, just been spittin my game to the babes. lol.. they know whatsup. I want to start looking around for areas that might be up for sale next winter. I'm about to move the fuck out before my parents kick my ass to the curb.


anyone lookin for a roomie? :)

Brooke is leaving in three days to Germany. I honestly don't know what I'll do. I bet I'll just end up reading the rest of the twilight series before she even gets back.  Woooo hooo... God all of my past entries are about guys.. I honestly don't even want to think about them anymore. I basically just have my mind set on having a kickass summer. For example: Six flags, Warped tour, Summerfest, the lake.. etc.. lol. I predict that this is going to be the greatest summer ever. Hopefully it gets warm soon. the weather has been shit lately. :(

I need a job. I'm like spending all of my money that I saved up for a car on shit like swimsuits and new phones.. eh whatever. I'll live I suppose. My parents are too broke to buy me a car anyways.  You know what pisses me off? The Audition. The lead is so ugly and conceited.. like he invented indie rock. but thats not what pisses me off, its that hes SOOO good. haha. But anyways...


idk. I'm pretty sure this is all I have to say.

So I haven't exactly been on here for a good seven months or so. So this entry might be pretty long. I've been through some pretty dramatic times...
Got grounded for all the shit I was doing. It's been about three and a half months since then.. and I could honestly say that I'm so much happier without drugs in my life.  I actually look forward to my days when I don't have to smoke or drink or take some pills. I guess you could say I'm thankful for being grounded, because obviously from my last few entries, I was in a much darker place. And a lot of people have been noticing lately that I smile and laugh more.

Hmmm whats else... I'm still single. But I met this boy a few weeks ago.. He's pretty amazing so far.. But I always have such a hard time trusting people... Idk. I guess I need to get over that..
Brooke is leaving for Germany in a couple weeks.. =( I'm going to miss her so much for the first month of summer. What am I going to dooooo????? lol. I'll probably just get like 7 cats or something to occupy my time. haha. I hate cats..  anyways.

Jesus.. I don't even know what else to put haha. I'm pretty obsessed with going to the lake every chance I get now a days. I've only been there twice so far but thats only because the weather has been shit lately. But hopefully me and brooke get there a good 6 times before she leaves. and it better be kick ass.

I keep seeing all of these couples and theyre all soooooo happy with eachother.
And I'm seriously like pissed that I can't find one boy thats worth my time. I'm so picky. but then again its like well I don't want to get screwed over or something.
I just want to meet a guy that has even so much as half a brain.
I want to find a person who can make me smile. someone whos honest and has straight teeth.



But every guy I know is a dumbass or thinks I'm crazy. But I am pretty crazy. And I think I just accepted that.


And I just realized how I have like no friends. Its like what I said before in one of my emo journal entrys "Rejecting phonecalls and hoping someone would be trying to reach me."

It's just like that.

I fucking hate every one.Serioiusly. I fucking hate youo all.

I'm always so cold when I get home.
I always feel this rushing shiver down my spine once I find out that I'm all alone.
And my mind hurts my head is so tired. It feels like every day I wake up and I never got enough sleep the night before.
I just never want to get out of bed.
I hate getting ready and putting on this stupid mask of lies and acting like I care about everyone.
I'm such a fake. I'm nothing but a fake person.
I have nothing to live for.
I'm so sick.. oh god I'm so sick.
I'm so tired of drinking a glass of alcohol everynight before I go to bed.
And I just wish someone else would be able to have this conversation with me.
Instead I'm talking to myself. All alone and cold.
Tonight I will hurt myself again.
Just because I'm not in a good mood.
And no one will care.
Because no one will tell me that they want me here with them unless they see me in pain.
Everyone left me.
And they don't even know it.
I'm going to go take a hot shower. and try to get some blood flowing to my fingers.
Maybe that will help.
Maybe someone will notice that something is wrong.

That'll teach em.
God I fucking hope this works our for real. Like if it did I would be so happy haha.
Nobody knows what I'm talking about.
Except for me. =)  But seriously I'm like getting so excited already.
=)


=)

Why is it whenever you feel like you want to kill yourself you listen to the saddest music you can find on your itunes..  And then you just sit there and stare off into wherever it is your staring and just feel sorry for yourself.. I dont think its healthy. I really don't think its healthy at all. It makes everything even worse. but sometimes you've just got to sit there and dwell on whatever it is that's making you upset. You can't just go forever and not think about it. thats impossible. 

Ahh, and here I sit. wishing I had a big glass of vodka and someone to cry with. And for some reason I find the buttons of the keyboard very reassuring. Rejecting phonecalls and hoping that someone would be trying to reach me. And it's impossible to think about anything except for the fact that I'm all alone in this world. My life is somehow lost somewhere and I can't seem to relax. My whole world is an act, everything I've tried to make seem right is a complete waste.. And it may sound crazy but I think that everyone else is as terribly lost and confused as I am. I know it. They have to be. And if they deny it then they're lying straight out of their asses.

And once again, I'm falling asleep all alone tonight. With the constant thought that there's no one out there that wants to lay next to me. I am simply a fuck up and I guess I'll just have to live with what I've been given.